December 12, 2007

the necessity for my Lord

This blogging hiatus has been a bit longer than planned and I really do think it's for 2 reasons. The first is obvious: with pregnancy sleep overrides anything (that and I've been toooo busy to even sit down at the computer!). And the second is not so obvious: my prayer life has been lousy (still). I've learned that you can't give what you don't have and if I don't have Christ and am not filled by Him on a daily basis there is no way I can give Him to others, which is what Mike and I try to do here.

It's not that I don't pray at all. I pray (at least try to pray) a decade of the Rosary on my way to school, pray with my kiddos all day long, and Michael and I pray every night before we go to bed. Yet, I still haven't felt "filled" with God. Sure, he could be neglecting from me His comforts of knowing He's there in prayer, but I do think it's something more. Then, one day a couple weeks ago, it dawned on me.

In college I used to commit to an hour each week of Adoration in front of Christ. Mondays were my day to spend part of the afternoon with Him. Although it could be coined as "another thing" on my schedule, it really was one of the most fruitful hours of my week. And now, since I've been married, I've barely gone to Adoration a dozen or so times. This lack of encountering my Lord, the real Jesus - not just a symbol, is what is leaving me empty. Sure, I can find Jesus in others and I can find Him in my home and in the circumstances around me, but there comes a point where I just need to find Him.

Sitting or kneeling in front of Christ, with his Glory humbled under the appearance of Bread, is where I find some of my greatest joys, convictions to my heart, revelations, and down-right fulfillment. This wouldn't be happening if it really wasn't God. And if it really is God, why am I not spending more time in His True Presence?

Time is not a good enough excuse. This is the one thing that by adding it to my week, I am left refreshed and invigorated to become a saint.

I was driving in my car when Jesus grabbed at me those 2 weeks ago. He said "come, spend at least 1/2 hour a week with Me. Offer it for your child, and the holiness of your family." I was delighted to hear Him again and knew this is exactly what I needed! Michael and I, starting small, are going to commit to this 1/2 hour. I hope to continue it, and even make it the full hour Jesus requests of us in the Bible. I have an inspiring friend who brings her little one to Adoration every Sunday night at 3:00am. God must be smiling upon that newborn child, so excited to see her there! God willing, I desire to keep up with Adoration or a weekday Mass once Baby Mauss is born. I know if I nurture that desire now, it will be easier to keep later! Some may think I'm being naive by underestimating the amount of time it takes to care for a child (or two or three...). However, if the most important thing I can give our children is the love and knowledge of Christ, why not start from day one?

I hope Jesus keeps me accountable to this! And I hope that by spending more time in His presence I'll be back on track and more in line with where He wants me to be. =)

2 comments:

Seminarian said...

Kristine-

Its good to know I'm not the only one trying to figure out my prayer life now that I'm no longer at WWU. Its been hard. You'd think that 2 different chapels within a minute walk would mean that I'd get more prayer time in adoration than I did at western, but its actually been more difficult. It's not an issue of time. I'm busy, but I definately have the time. The difficulty is knowing that He is so close makes it so much easier to put off until a different time. Thus, I've really had to dedicate myself in a different way to my prayer life, and I'm still trying to figure out exactly what my prayer life should be.

Pray for me and I'll pray for you and your family.

B

Tom & Carrie Herring said...

I definitely feel you, Kris. It's hard, isn't it? What keeps Tom & I faithful to our weekly Holy Hour is that we signed up for one at our parish. If we don't show up, no one is there with Our Lord. We're committed; and sometimes that commitment is what keeps me going. I'll keep you three in my prayers. I love you so much!