March 20, 2008

the "perfect" Holy Week

A couple weeks ago I was thinking of ways that I could go deeper this Holy Week. The first thing that came to my mind was doing something "more" - like praying more or sacrificing more. However, in an attempt to curb my ego (and realize my new demands as a mom) I decided that this time more wasn't always better.

So, it came to me that I should be extra mindful of everything I do this week - from doing the laundry to getting up with Avila in the middle of the night. With everything I wanted to offer it to God saying. "Jesus, I do this for love of You." I've been wanting to practice this in my life for a while, and Holy Week seemed like a great time to start.

What I didn't bargain for was what God would put into my life this week, amusingly starting the night before Holy Week began on Sunday.

Avila has always been a great sleeper, however, this past weekend she was up every half hour extremely fussy and wanting to nurse all the time. Going off my expectations of the previous two weeks with her (and how "easy" they were) I got really frustrated and made the mistake of getting upset at her. Sooooo not cool. At Mass the next morning it hit me that being a mother is supposed to be hard and that, if this is my path to holiness, I need to approach it as such. Thank goodness for confession!

However the real cross began Monday and has carried through thus far. Avila has also always been a great eater (she is currently 9lbs. 110z!!!!), and even though nursing has been fine I came down with mastitis (in solidarity with Cheri might I add) and then Avila and I both came down with thrush. (I won't give you the details if you don't know what they are. Just trust me, soooooo not fun either.) Needless to say nursing has become a drawn out process and Avila and I are on more meds than our insurance company would like to pay for, I'm sure! This with her 3 week growth spurt approaching! Can anyone say open buffet??

Now here comes the real test of my promise to offer this back to God. Did I honestly mean I would approach this week with abandon - allowing God to use me as He wishes? I'm not sure, but I do know that this is making me look at my role as a mother once more. The irony is that even though it is hard, when I look down at the adorable, smiling face of the daughter before me, it all suddenly becomes worth it. And I welcome whatever else God has, for Avila is too big a gift to desire something else.

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