I don't want to explain too much behind this text, as my personal journals are simply between Christ and myself, however I felt struck to share this.
May 8, 2005
Suffering is such a beautiful thing. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast this morning when I realized, once again, how grateful I am for all of the hardships in my life. I am grateful for the pain, the affliction, and the battles that have been waged in my life. I am grateful for the times where you were absent and I did not feel your presence. Everything you have given me is a gift, especially the times in trial. I look at every moment of my life – whether it be struggling to be nice to someone that annoys me or bearing through a lifelong illness – as a point in time that I am called to grow deeper in holiness through whatever it is you place in my life. I hold my hands out open so that you may give and take as you please. I grasp at nothing, for everything is yours and you have the right to do with me, with my life however you please.
November 9, 2005
I can’t reiterate enough the words “Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O Lord.” How true is this!! When I fail to fully surrender myself to the moment by moment inspirations of the Spirit in my heart, I am left restless and left to “suffer” more than if I were to say yes in the first place! This is another irony in living in the life of Christ: that the suffering apart from Him is even greater than taking up my cross and suffering with Him. At least in suffering with Jesus, I have the consolation of the cross. I have the consolation of knowing that “Easter Sunday” is just around the corner – whether it be a week or ten years down the road. For it is my own weakness, whether bodily or spiritual, that Christ’s strength will be made manifest and in nothing else.