March 25, 2015

On being open.

For me, having a baby is (for lack of a better term) a very bipolar experience. One day, one second, I feel all this love and am overflowing with immense joy and the next second I'm super grumpy pants - swearing I will never have another child. Ever. Again.

And then two seconds later I'm in love...and the cycle continues.

There really is no other time during my children's lives that I feel so polarized. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's the baby crap (literal and figurative). It is just so funny to me how these emotions happen and can quickly change. I mean, it feels so weird to swear off having children in one breath and then, in another, feel this bursting joy of baby fever and want to have another like right now.

I/We often get asked if we'll have another baby. Totally a loaded question for sure and the long, real, answer is usually too long/real for reply. So the short answer is: well, at this point we might just keep on going, right,  (insert coy hahaha here). But in all seriousness,  I don't know.

I don't know what the future will hold 1, 5, 10 years from now. My emotions about babies seemingly change on a whim so I can't really rely on that to make our decision. (whoa, this post is turning heavy. didn't mean for that to happen but I guess I'll roll with it....) My heart wants 100 more babies one day and sell the ones I have the next but it's obviously a bit more complicated than that - and again, can't let those darned emotions make all the decisions.

So, what do we do in the meantime. We pray. Michael and I pray about it every month - are we ready??? Is there anything major/pressing/so crazy in our lives that it would be not wise/prudent/smart to have a baby??? And if the answer is no: Is there anything we need to root out of our lives in order to be open to pulling 4 months of all-nighters having another one???

There are many, many more things we add to the prayers/discussions/thinkings about having more kids. But at the root of it all we try to remain open in our minds and hearts to whatever direction God wants to lead our family. 'Cause one thing I know for sure is that my own silly emotions should never drive the train. (Actually, if I allowed myself to do that I think I'd go insane with the pressure of translating my feelings to decisions...eeeek) God has taken our family down paths we never knew were ahead of us and I don't want to stop those surprises by being set in what I think should happen - whether it has to do with babies or not. Duh, we have to be prudent, but the leap of faith is sometimes way more exhilarating.

Who the heck knows what's around the corner - for me, for you, for Joe Shmo next door. (sorry, just wanted to say shhmmmo) But perhaps all we really need to do today, in this moment, is just be open. To let go of the clenched fists and open our palms and be ready to experience the joy ride of being led. Having to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW AT THIS SECOND hurts my brain (and annoys my husband...although he's good at smiling and nodding) so instead let's NOT have it all figured out. Let's roll through the day with intentionality and purpose (loving the people right in front of us while doing so) and be at peace with all the surprises (good or bad) waiting around the corner.

Oooooo, I like surprises. Clap clap jumpy jumpy happy happy joy joy.


Kara Murphy said...


Kristine Mauss said...

Thank you!

Gretchen Davis said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, this is beautiful. I totally think bipolar is a good term for my baby feelings as well. I look at my older two kids and think how short of a time they were babies and how fast and intense the baby stage. It helps me imagine the days when I won't be toting a baby on my hip and then I'm grateful to have her on my hip instead of running with her brothers. We have three boys 9,7,3 and a 6 month old girl.